Be Nice…And To Your Partner, Too

by Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D

You may recall from past Shrink Raps that we’ve discussed kindness in its many forms as a wonderful gesture of care and comfort not only to others, but also to oneself.  A random act of kindness, for instance, not only has a positive effect on the recipient, but affects the kindness-giver as well in very tangible ways:  with measurable benefits for cardiovascular health, blood pressure, serotonin levels, cholesterol levels, and more.  And it feels good!  Not bad, eh?  Be nice and live longer.  Sounds like a no-brainer to me.In addition, the same effects happen to anyone simply witnessing an act of kindness.  So the passerby on the street who saw you give spare change to a homeless guy, or watched as you anonymously paid for the coffee of the gal behind you at Coffee Crafters, or noticed that you put change in the parking meter on the crowded downtown street after you used your spot, experienced the same physiological benefits you did.  Can’t get much more for your money than that.

And speaking of kindness…so far this week, every single person I held a door open for said, “Thank you.” And every single person I thanked said, “You’re welcome.” OK, we’re on a roll of good stuff here.

I just received news from my friend, Hilary, who lives in California and is the mother of two beautiful autistic boys, that her kids are heading to a program in Austin run by a remarkable Indian woman.  This kind woman has trained countless children (and teachers) in her approach to creating a way for non-verbal kids to communicate, many for the first time in their lives!  If you are familiar with the communication challenges facing someone in the autistic spectrum, this represents remarkable hope.

And do you remember Keith from last week’s column?  Keith suddenly and unexpectedly lost his job, and is now faced with a blank slate:  what to do, where to go, how to proceed.  I bet this predicament sounds familiar to some of you.  Well, as he becomes a believer in the law of attraction and the power of tapping into the kindness of the universe and the grace of our Creator’s love, he’s realizing that for years he’s been asking for an opportunity to take a leap, rise to the risk, and follow his bliss.  He just didn’t know it would start out in the form of unemployment!  But that’s the way the universe works:  Your desires receive attention, but not necessarily as you might predict.  Toward that end, he’s set to risk a move from his hometown and become our next new Chattanoogan—bringing his art-, café-, pub-, and gallery-lovin’ self to our fair Scenic City.  Cool.

But here’s what I really wanted to share with you:  I was in a restaurant having lunch with a friend recently and at the next table were a middle-aged man and woman who seemed quite fond of each other.  Nothing untoward, just a sweet closeness and affection.  (Let me say at this point in the story that I honestly don’t mean to be nosey—but being a curious guy, I tend to people-watch all the time.  I try to be subtle as I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but to be honest it’s sometimes to the embarrassment of whomever I’m with.  Apologies in advance if we ever have lunch together.)

Anyway, the woman received a call on her cell, and she politely told the caller that she was having lunch with her husband and would call back later on.  I thought, “What a perfect gesture to communicate to hubby that he’s more important than a phone call!”  So often I see couples out together and one of them gets a cell call, and continues talking on the phone while their mate just sits there.  What’s up with that?  Do you care about your date/friend/sig other—or don’t you?  It’s so easy to become careless with the ones we love, that we give attention to everyone but them.  A phone call can be returned and unless it’s an emergency—come on.  Use care.  Give attention.  Focus on your sweetie, whether it’s a first date or you’ve been a couple for years.  Don’t neglect those who matter most to you.  Au contraire: Give them first priority, and treat them as the love-in-your-life they are.

This manner of treating each other kindly, my friends, is how couples stay together for the long run.  I’ve seen couples overcome all sorts of challenges because they lovingly play on the same team.  In other words, they discovered how to successfully move an issue from “you vs. me” to “you-and-me vs. the issue.”  This is a concept I’ve written about in my books and that I teach in my private practice, and trust me, it works.  (More relationship tips can be found in past (and future) Shrink Raps.  Stay tuned.)

Until next week, a meditation sent to me from a friend, author unknown:  “Speak quietly to yourself and promise there will be better days.  Console your bruised and tender spirit with reminders of many other successes.  Offer comfort to yourself in practical and tangible ways—as if you were encouraging your dearest friend.  Tomorrow comes more brightly.”